Making Introductions That Work — DANA RAY

Making Introductions That Work

As artists and leaders, our work is rooted in community; we live and breathe off relationships, both new and old. It’s the foundation of our livelihoods and our greatest impact. The road to build this network can be difficult, fraught with stories, both real and imagined, that block us from real connection. I wrote this guide as an answer to those anxieties and also to the ineffective ways I see my people try to do this work.

We’ll tackle all the situations you might find yourself in whether introducing yourself or others. There are even template emails which I encourage you to copy and paste straight from here into your email draft and make your own.

This doesn’t have to be hard or awkward or embarrassing. It doesn’t have to feel like a risk not worth taking.

In this guide you’ll find:

  • The key to building great connection with new people online

  • The key to ruining human connection online

  • How to introduce people when it’s your idea

  • How to introduce yourself

  • How to ask for an introduction

  • How to introduce people when someone asks you to

  • And all the art of setting boundaries with time limits and clear nos


The first thing you need to know about me is that I love introductions. I love introducing people I’m convinced will create amazing things together. Or even who I think might make great friends. Other times, I just love introducing people to resources that might make it easier for them to do what they care about. It is always from my deep belief that we’re better together and if we can just connect the dots, magic will happen.

So it made sense at the time to introduce two of my friends. I asked her first; she’s a major player in international brand consulting. She happened to have taken to me as a friend and we spent hours on my front porch as she shared her stories and I soaked up her savviness and insight.

He was a new acquaintance, the founder of a really stunningly fun and cool and beautiful curriculum for kids. He was looking for connections. I suspected they’d love each other since I knew she had a keen interest in disrupting education. When she gave me permission, I sent the joint email to connect them.

I followed up with her a few weeks later. “So how was the call?” Turns out, he never replied to her email. I poked him. Still no response.

My embarrassment was profound. I’d asked a global business leader to make time for someone I knew--and he didn’t show up as being valuable to her at all. She did me and him a favor, one he was not actually up to receive. And that was on me; I never confirmed that he would enthusiastically pursue a call with her.

That’s when I started studying the art of online introductions. I wanted to know what made the great intros great and what made the bad ones so horribly awkward. Without an understanding of how e-intros work, our best efforts might land like a limp handshake. And there is nothing that makes me more cringy than a limp handshake.


Introductions are based in “Social Capital”

Let’s go back to that story of my friend in marketing and my founder friend. Because this is a key idea that will inform the rest of what we talk about in this guide. And it’s the idea of social capital.

Social Capital is a currency as powerful as money. Social capital is how you find and develop opportunities. You need it to make your ideas move forward in the world. It’s how you build a network of like-minded people. I like the term because it helps me visualize a real substance that can be gained or lost like money; its synonym “trust” doesn’t always feel as concrete and clear.

And it was social capital that I spent when I asked my marketing guru friend to meet my new-kid-on-the-block friend. She wasn’t just agreeing because she wanted to meet him; it was because I was the one who asked. And when the connection didn’t work out, especially because he ghosted the interaction, I also lost credibility. The next time I thought about making an introduction, it would not be as easy for her to say yes to me.

We have to remember this:

  • When you ask for an introduction, you ask someone to spend their time and resources and influence.

  • When someone asks you for an introduction, they ask you to spend your time and resources and influence.

And Social Capital is a big deal. It’s a big part of how we build our businesses and reputations. When you connect two people with an intro, you are making an investment of our own reputation. When you ask someone to introduce you, the connector is taking the risk that we’ll all trust each other more because of the introduction. If that goes south, they’ve lost social capital.

Sometimes a risk is worth it.

And sometimes it isn’t.

And you have most of the say in which way it will go.


Permission Rules Human Connection

So now that we know about social capital, how do we ensure that we’re taking on the right risks in the game of introductions? How do we know it's worth trying to connect people?

This is where permission comes in. With permission, we do our best to make sure it works. Without permission, we’re wandering into shark infested waters.

What does this look like?

  • When you ask to be introduced, it means the person introducing you needs the permission of the person you want to be introduced to. 

  • When you are asked to introduce, you need the permission of the person who would be introduced. 

  • When you introduce yourself, it means you are not owed a response (a response being the giving of permission).

Seth Godin, the father of permission-based marketing, says it this way: “Permission marketing is the privilege (not the right) of delivering anticipated, personal and relevant messages to people who actually want to get them.”

Let’s adapt this definition for e-introductions.

Permission Introductions: (N) The privilege of connecting on a personal level with someone who has experience, ideas, or influence that are relevant to you and for whom helping you would be of personal or professional meaning.

The rest of this guide outlines the specific situations that we use introductions and how you can leverage permission-based introductions to connect with people in a genuine, respectful way.



Quick Note on Introductions vs Referrals

In the context of this guide, I’m not talking about referrals for paid work. This is generally acceptable without permission since someone is inquiring about the business and services the other person offers.


Introducing People When It’s Your Idea

I love introducing people. I love to say, “I think you’d love each other. Can I connect you?” I also love saying, “I think this person could benefit from interacting with you. Can I connect you?”

And as I’ve already told you, I’ve been burnt before.

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Ask For Permission By Explaining the Why

A template you should steal: 

Hi So&So,

I think you’d find a lot to talk about [in work or life] with my connection/friend Other Person.

I think this because of XYZ reasons. Would you be interested in me making an introduction by email? I’ve reached out to Other Person to see if they have capacity right now as well.

Best, Dana


Send this to both parties. No introduction is made if either party says no!

Never in my life am I as irked as when someone makes an introduction of me to another person without my consent. I’m far less likely to pursue a connection or conversation. It backfires. It’s especially annoying when the connection made isn’t actually for something I do or want to do.

When Someone Says No

Assuming one of the people said no and the other person said yes, you have what might be a sticky situation on your hands. But it isn’t actually that bad.

Dear So&So,

So glad to hear you’re interested in connecting with Other Person. Sadly, they don’t have capacity right now for a conversation. I’d encourage you to follow their work on [these public platforms] as you’ll likely love what their up to. If something changes, I’ll try to connect you guys again in the future.

Best,

Dana

How to Tell If It’s Worth Trying the Introduction

  • You’re convinced everyone will be delighted by the introduction. (You’re helping people make new friends).

  • You’re convinced one has something to offer the other. (You’re doing a favor to someone).

  • You’re convinced that they would be a professional help to each other. (They have something in common that would make sense to connect from a business perspective)

Email > Linkedin > Twitter/Insta DMS > [Anything by Private FB]

Facebook used to be a solely personal space. Then it was less so. And now, with LinkedIn coming into its own, is returning to a private social space. Email is then a much better idea especially since it will include a footer where relevant links are often found.

Clearly outline what both parties want from the intro

The kindest thing you can do is outline in the introduction request + introduction email what is expected. If you want them to talk by phone, ask that in your email. If you just want them to follow each other on the social media streets, say that. If you want them to just know each other by email, say that. Make sure people know what they are saying yes to.

Template:

I am pleased to make this introduction between A and B.

A is this kind of person and has done these things relevant to person B.

B is this kind of person and has done these things relevant to person A.

I’m introducing you for these reasons and for these objectives.

When someone asks for an introduction, you have a choice.


Sometimes, people will approach you and ask for an introduction. This is especially common among younger people seeking introductions for opportunities in their older networks.


Yes or No?

Fun fact: you don’t have to do anything just because someone asked. I make it a point to only make introductions that support my reputation. I mean that.

Depending on how you think, that might sound selfish to you. But here’s how I think about it: good connections are essential to my brand. I want to be known as someone who makes connections that benefit everyone. If I can’t do that, then I don’t want to be part of it.

Questions I ask before I even seek permission:

  • Do I like the person I am asked to introduce?

  • Do I believe the person I’m introducing will honor the boundaries and value the time of the person they are asking to meet?

  • Can I afford to lose some trust with the person I am asking to be introduced? If it goes badly and they lose time and effort, will my credibility be lessened?

If the answer is NO to any of the above, it’s time to politely decline with no explanation necessary.


Template:

Dear So&So,

Thank you for reaching out with your interest in meeting Other Person. I’m afraid that this is not an introduction that I am able to make at this time. If there is another resource I can direct you towards, I would be happy to do so.


Specific and Appropriate

I was once asked if I would introduce someone to a writer I knew so they could ask for mentorship. Hold on. That’s way too intense of an ask from a stranger to a new acquaintance. Nor is it enough to say, “I just want to talk.” These will not result in a benefit for the person giving up their time.

There needs to be a clear, actionable inquiry involved. “I am looking for an internship” is acceptable. So is, “I have this specific question about your approach to writing in this genre.”

Ask Permission

Consent is everything. Reach out to the Requested Person. Explain the situation. 

Template:

Hi Other Person,

I am writing to ask your permission to make an introduction. I have known So&So from [this context] for [this amount of time]. I think they are great because [xyz]. They have asked if I would introduce them to you for [abc purpose]. Would you be open and available to that?


Relay the Response

Reach out to the person who requested and let them know what happened.

Template:

Hey So&So,

I heard back from Other Person. They aren’t available to make a connection at this time. I’m sorry but I won’t be able to make the introduction. How else can I support you in [the specific endeavor you are trying to do]?

Best,

Dana

If It was a Yes, Make the Introduction

Template:

I am pleased to make this introduction between A and B. 

A is this kind of person and has done these things relevant to person B.

B is this kind of person and has done these things relevant to person A. 

I’m introducing you for these reasons and for these objectives.


There are times when introducing yourself is an entirely appropriate thing to do. This is called “networking”.

It’s one of my favorite pastimes in my creative work and business. If you want a full download on how I do this, see my guide on digital networking.


Permission Still Applies

Just because you are introducing yourself “unannounced”, does not mean that permission no longer applies. In fact, it is even more important.

First, it is better to only email people when you have been given their email address. This is not a hard and fast rule, merely something ensures that you are respecting a boundary. Linkedin is an exception to this. Send a note when you ask for a connection with a specific explanation for why that connection is beneficial to you both.

Second, permission for a full engagement is only granted after the person has responded. If they do not respond to your email within two weeks (yes, that’s half a month), then follow up. Wait for the clear yes or no. If they do not respond to your follow up, consider it a no for now.


Assume Time is Limited

If you are reaching out with a cold contact, you are lowest on someone’s priority list. That’s not a statement about you but a statement about who life works. If I know you, then I am more likely to care about you. 

So when someone accepts your connection and engage with you, it’s a big deal. Be very respectful of their capacity. Get to the point. Be clear. Don’t ask them to be the godparent of your unborn offspring.

 

Gratitude Makes Friends

If Cleanliness is next to Godliness, then Thank You Notes are next to Holy Scripture.

Okay, so maybe that doesn’t work as a metaphor. What I mean is that writing a note to thank  someone is key. I love this podcast episode from the Long and the Short of It on thank you notes. Peter Shepherd and Jen Waldman talk about the art of thank you and how witnessing someone at their best is one of the ways we can be generous in our work.

I’ll just add: don’t be too effusive. There’s something startling about receiving an intense note of admiration. I like words of praise more than the average bear but I feel very confused about someone’s motivations when the only thing I receive from them is admiration. I want to be seen but not placated or pandered. Flattery can be used to manipulate and there’s something in an “extra” thank you note that sends my alarm bells ringing.

Asking for an Introduction

This happens more often than you might think. I live in a network driven city and I’ve asked for introductions on numerous occasions. 


Know the Players

It’s easiest to ask for an introduction from someone who knows you well. They can speak to your strengths and capacities. They will say yes more easily. This makes the introduction far more likely to be meaningful.

Have a specific, time-bound request

There is nothing worse than the request that is vague or impractical.

If it’s just a conversation, what do you want to talk about? It doesn’t have to be a question. It can be a set of topics the other person is an expert in. You can ask for feedback and insight. 

Only ask for things that are not part of what they sell.



Be Reasonable

Asking someone you’ve never met to edit your book or become a lifelong mentor is not okay. You’d be surprised how often that can happen though when someone new to an industry are trying to find their way. When you ask for an intro, be clear. And accept the boundaries given in response.  What did they say yes to? An email exchange? A phone call? Simply being connected on linkedin? A resume review? Don’t push for more than is offered.


Template for Asking for an Intro:

Dear Friend,

I am currently working on XYZ in my business. This has been fascinating because of ABC. In that light, I’ve been looking to connect with people who are LIKE THIS so I can learn/access these specific things.

I know that you are connected with So&So. Would you be willing to make an introduction on my behalf either for a phone call or a linkedin connection?

Best,

Dana

Show Up When You Ask

I can’t believe this has to be said but HERE WE ARE. I’ve seen this so many times and it’s this exact failure that has taught me everything about introductions. When someone uses their time and energy to say, “Hey, I think you’d benefit from meeting this person. Can I introduce you?” and you say yes and then they make it happen… SHOW UP. Show up to your end of the bargain. Send the email. Make the phone call. Meet for coffee. Be on time. Don’t ghost when you’re the one people are doing the favor for. Just don’t. It ruins your reputation. People will stop being willing to reach out or give you a hand because you will be deemed untrustworthy and unreliable.


NB on Ableism and Delays 

There are circumstances in our lives and bodies that prevent showing up in a traditional way. The way to honor this in your life and experiences is to communicate its presence and your capacity. No need or expectation that you go into your medical history. Just show up in writing and say what’s going on.


Template:

Dear So&So,

I am so grateful you are willing to meet with me. I apologize for my delay in responding to your offer. I had some personal circumstances arise that delayed my response. I am now ready and eager to connect. Is the calendar link you provided last time the best way to set up a call with you?

Best,

Dana

Say Thank You

After an introduction and conversation, say thank you. If the person chooses not to talk with you, say thank you. They have taken the time to even consider your request. A follow up email is totally the right move.



When You Are Introduced without Your Permission

It will happen to everyone at some point in time. You’ll get an email where someone copies their friend on the email and says, “Hi! I wanted to introduce you two!”

9 times out of 10, the introduction won’t make any sense. Your friend will assume that because you study watercolor techniques for abstract, expressionist paintings that you should meet their friend’s kid who teaches illustrates comic books in his spare time and has, “Questions about being a professional artist.”

Oh boy.


Deciding What to Do

The first goal for me is to honor the introduction. I might not be happy about it but I want my friend to have their social capital as intact as possible in the process. I also want to be polite and gracious--the introduction might not make sense now but there’s no telling when our paths might cross in the future. We can use these moments to build connections even if we have to say no and set new boundaries.


Next, I determine whether or not the connection makes sense for me. Enthusiastic consent is the goal, especially when we’re discerning our own choices. Do I seriously want to continue this interaction? Am I happy about the introduction? There’s no reason to agree to give your time if it doesn’t fit your life and interests. If it doesn’t, then it’s a polite no.


When I Say Yes

  1. The Calendar Move

    I use this one all the time. If I’m actually willing to make the connection, I’ll offer my calendar and times to the person being introduced. A shocking number of times, the person introduced does not follow up and schedule a time. I have made myself available, I have honored my friend who made the introduction, and that’s it. I’m done. 

  2. Clarify What You Can and Cannot Do

The first response, clarify your boundaries. What can you do? What can you not do? Are you willing to talk once but not provide an ongoing service? You do not have to do exactly what your friend said you would do in the first email. You have agency over what you do with your time.

Template For Yes:

Hi Introducee,

I’m glad [Introducer] put us in touch. I’d be happy to connect for a 20 minute call to discuss [specific topics here]. Here is a link to my calendar where you can find my availability and schedule a conversation. I look forward to connecting.

Best,

Dana Ray


When It’s A No

Template for a No V1:

Hi [Introducee],

So grateful that (Introducer) thought I would be able to help in this situation. However, right now I’m not able to connect. Best of luck with your endeavors!

Best,

Dana Ray


Template for a No V2:

Hi [Introducee],

So grateful that (Introducer) thought I would be able to help in this situation. I’m honored. However, this particular need is not something I am able to address. I would be happy to send you in the direction of some other resources. I’ve listed them after the body of this email. Best of luck with your endeavors!

Best,

Dana Ray


You Have a Right to Set Boundaries

Regardless of the outcome, you have the right to set new boundaries with the friend who made the introduction. 


The Private Boundary Setting When It was actually a great introduction:

Hi [Introducer],

Thank you for thinking to recommend me to your friend. It seems like it might be a good fit. I will reply in a private email to them soon.

In the future,  I would appreciate it if you would ask me first before copying me in an email like this. I don’t always have capacity or it might not be a right fit. I’d like to honor you and your recommendations by making it successful. A quick email or text to check in makes that possible!

Again, thank you for the referral. Your trust means so much to me.

Best,

Dana



The Private Boundary Setting when it was NOT a great introduction V2:

Hi [Introducer],

Thank you for thinking to recommend me to your friend. However, this type of connection is not a fit for me. You said I do xyz but in actuality my work is centered around abc.

In the future, I would appreciate it if you would ask me first before copying me in an email like this. I don’t always have capacity or it might not be a right fit. I’d like to honor you and your recommendations by making it successful. A quick email or text to check in makes that possible!

Again, thank you for the referral. Your trust means so much to me.

Best,

Dana



When You Are Introduced with Permission

Then there are the times we get the request for an introduction. And we say yes! These are my favorite. I love doing favors for people that ask for my social capital to be spent to help them. I really really do. It gives me so much joy. It’s an extra joy if it’s a win all around.


Template for a Accepting an Intro:

Copy Both Parties.

Thank you so much for the intro, Introducer!

Introducee - an intro email coming your way shortly.

I'm so happy to meet new people and I’m excited to see how I can support your work!

-Dana

 

Template for Introducing Yourself:

Hi Introducee, 

I’m so pleased to be able to connect with you through our mutual friend Introducer. I  would love more of an introduction to you and your work. What’s the best place for me to start?

 If you’d like, I’m also happy to connect for a 20 minute call to discuss [specific topics here]. Here is a link to my calendar where you can find my availability and schedule a conversation.

I look forward to connecting.

-Dana Ray


Better Intros = Less Drama

The goal of all of this is to make it easier to build connections and relationships in our work life. As creatives, artists, and culture-makers, our entire existence depends on people knowing us and supporting us. It is magic all around when we can be smart and caring in how we do it.

The internet can feel like the Wild West where a bunch of white people showed up to established civilizations and didn’t know how to people anymore. Wait… what? That’s not the story you heard? (We’ll deconstruct revisionist history another time).


Most of us really do want to take care of each other on the internet streets but often aren’t sure how to do the thing we most seriously want to do. With the templates and guides above, we can save ourselves so much heartache and confusion. Life is too short for email drama. Our careers are too meaningful to be muddied with introduction faux pas that leave us distrustful and guarded.


We can skip the whole mess. I hope we will.